Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Is That a Star Trek Thing? Part One

Two weeks ago Kan Konstructions received a contract offer from Senff Industries. Apparently one of their clients was looking to have a custom-designed YT-1300 freighter built for them and was having trouble finding a shipyard company willing to take on the task. Usually such starships are constructed by the Corellian Engineering Corporation, so Kan Konstructions contacted them in the hope we might uncover why they had refused this time. The reply:

“Bwahahahaaa, have you even seen the designs? It’s a deathtrap waiting to happen. There’s not even a proper cockpit, for pities sake! The company that builds that monstrosity will be sued into the ground.”

Thankfully Kan Konstructions has no established ethical principles on paper, and we’re sure no-one on the internet has ever been sued, so we accepted the contract.

Fortunately, Kan Konstructions has had experience in creating ships from various franchises, and in fact put on hold our current construction of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek, which is in no way symbolic.

At first I decided I would attempt to construct the ship myself. Now I’ve seen such constructions done “properly,” by “qualified engineers”, where they lay out all the pieces and tools in some sort of "ordered" manner, which they claim will make the process go more easily. I figured I could just get my own engineering qualification and be able to do this myself, but did you know it takes at least six months to become an engineer? I don’t have time for that! So I’m going to do it the way all “real” men do it.

Then I looked at the instructions. I had to find a small black, hingey-like hinge piece. Easy!



Definitely nope.

Alright, so bad idea. But I had a thought! Kan Konstructions used to have a workforce, a fine workforce, one that could construct incredible machines, or would if their leadership had any sense of commitment. But they were gone now, having departed to ventures new. Probably up a hoover. I’m still looking.

So I recruited a new work-force. They were mostly out of work right now, though a couple claimed they would have new jobs in a month or two, bless. Now, they might look a bit familiar to some, and I did have to check the rules on crossing franchises, but apparently on the internet anything goes, and it seems I should be encouraging them to have less clothes, but never mind that!

They were put to work immediately and, dare I say it, they were better than the previous workforce. I mean, look at this guy:

Alright, sure, I mean he was screaming something about how he had found the supreme piece of LEGO, and how all other pieces of LEGO should be exterminated as they were inferior, but I decided to let his anger issues slide because he had found the hingey piece!

And from that point there was no stopping them.

Within a few hours we had the…does a starship have a keel? Well we had the what-would-be-a-keel-on-a-regular-ship laid down. Actually, that could go to explain why we never did finish the HMS Victory - the model clearly starts with the hull of the ship, with nothing for that hull to attach to. Amateurish stuff - which for the clever minds at Kan Industries meant we got far too confused and had to play some video games a while to try and calm our confused minds. Yes, that’ll do.

So, Senff Industries, we have begun the contract assigned to us, and I am pleased to say it is well under way. I would go so far to say your client will have his custom YT-1300 within a week.

Eh…best make it two weeks. Y’know what we’re like. I’m not saying we’re easily distracted by things and may forget to provide you with regular reports, but that possibly we might be easily distracted by things and may forget to provide you with regular reports. Or…ooh! ooh! OR production might be affected by some nefarious creature with a desire to prevent this diabolical mashing of sci-fi franchises as it reads like some terrible, terrible, fan-fiction.

But what are the chances of that?



  1. *Applause*

    I am glad to see you are progressing to schedule. I expect regular updates. The... client... is not one to be kept waiting.

    He claimed he expected the results in less than a parsec, but I'm not sure what to make of that.

  2. Goddamnit John, I was saving the 'parsec' joke for the next part.