Friday, 26 September 2014

Is That a Star Trek Thing? Part Two

Construction on the Mini-Millennium Falcon continues to go well until we hit one fairly important snag. You see, the instructions clearly state that we put the engine in first, then build the ship around it, but I’m not sure that’s a very good idea. Kan Konstructions is very safety conscious (only one work death in one-and-a-half construction efforts), and we’re slightly worried that having an active engine that could rip a hole in the fabric of reality around a worksite is a bad idea. So we built the whole ship in advance, then realised we were in that ridiculous situation where you have to fit a sofa through a small door. Except instead of sofa we mean engine-that-could-rip-a-hole-in-the-fabric-of-reality. So we took it all apart and went by the instructions, assuming Denmark knows best.

And you know what? It’s now only two workplace deaths.

After that, work went fantastically quickly, though there was some confusion as to why we went to all the effort of building interior-parts of a LEGO model only to cover them all up.

Denmark knows best.

This might, of course, make folk wonder why it’s taken three months for Kan Konstructions to complete the Mini-Millennium Falcon. You see, and you might have seen something in the news about it: the construction yards were attacked and virtually destroyed. A rival franchise, determined to prevent the relaunch of Star Wars, launched an attack upon our humble base.

Which is to say any of the following deaths are not workplace related.

It began with a perfectly realistic explosion in which a Dalek burst through our outer defences. I say defences, I mean Geoff the security guard. I say security guard, I mean that guy we hire in case of sudden Dalek attack.

I gather the troops! By which I mean I gather the construction workers and rally their courage. It doesn’t work, of course - I can’t even think of a decent/mildly amusing speech to put on a silly blog entry, so I’ll be buggered if I can do one on the spot for them.

Now, if some of my readers are of a more gentle disposition, then I urge you to look away from the next few images. They are rather graphic, and depict the horrors of a battle between a gargantuan Dalek and various characters from the Doctor Who franchise. Brave heart, everyone else.

Real Adagio for Strings stuff, there, I know.

The construction crew are lost, and in retrospect I have to question my employment choices. Some of them were utilising some heavy weaponry, which is not appropriate gear for a workplace. Conversely, some were wielding screwdrivers, which is not appropriate for combat situations.

I repeat, however, this does not count as a workplace incident.

We’re down to one man: LEGO Han Solo, the client who commissioned this death-trap of a machine. Brave, charming, determined to prove he can actually shoot first ever since a controversial revelation in the late-nineties, he decides to send LEGO Batman instead.

Scuba LEGO Batman, no less.

It doesn’t work, of course. LEGO Batman has no chance against a Dalek, for that would be laughable. Naturally, LEGO Han Solo knew this for he raced off to the Mini-Millennium Falcon with the final piece. He knows that this final piece will mean, like with saving the land of Pelamar with the final Veetacore piece in Through the Dragon’s Eye, he can save the day and destroy the Dalek menace.

He doesn’t, of course. He just hops onboard and flies into the sunset.

Ignore the hand ignore the hand ignore the hand

Epilogue the First: The Dalek did not get beyond the outer perimeter, being as it was the bookshelves. Between that and the actual construction yards is an awful lot of carpet. Dalek toys, apparently, cannot handle carpets.

Probably shouldn’t have bothered with the whole defence thing, then. You live and learn. Well, I live and learn.

Epilogue the Second: LEGO Han Solo died shortly after leaving Earth’s atmosphere. Apparently cockpits should be sealed from the vacuum of space. Kan Konstructions never were paid for the effort of constructing the Mini-Millennium Falcon.

Total workplace deaths in two-and-a-half construction efforts: 11.