Tuesday, 12 October 2010

The TARDIS Venture, Part 4

Following our last report Kan Konstruction was contacted by one of our associates, who was worried by the initial appearance of our TARDIS interior. He believed that it had a certain 'Dalek' like appearance to it, and thought we ought to pursue the matter. At first I thought of contacting the Savage - the Time Lord who issued Kan Konstructions with the contract - but I thought he might be quite busy and probably doesn't have the time to be pestered with petty concerns. As such, I simply contacted the Dalek Empire. Kan Konstructions is, of course, a neutral shipbuilder and has no allegiance to any galactic power. They sent us Clive, who put our mind at rest:


We thanked Clive, who responded by declaring he would exterminate all of us. When I moved to simply throw him into a wall, he made his escape by some previously unmentioned plot-device.

Our workers got back to business. The next part of the TARDIS Venture involves putting together the control-panel itself. Apparently it's just the outer casing, not the internal systems or electronics, as we mere beings wouldn't understand the first thing about such advanced technology. I'm inclined to agree, I've been known to wipe entire computer-drives when all I meant to do was fix the modem, I probably shouldn't mess with things that have the potential to create gods or wipe out time itself.

As you can see, the men are more than willing to utilise dangerous heavy tools to get the work done. Here you can see them using a pair of potentially lethal tweezers to cut the materials into the required size. But that's nothing compared to what sort of dangerous work some of them are willing to do:

Heavy objects to be lifted onto high heights while standing on a small platform? That guy at the top must be brave or foolish, surely? Of course not! Kan Konstructions is proud to boast the highest investment in safety gear, and the guy apparently one misstep away from certain death is in fact more secure than the gentlemen on the ground. How? White Tack!

You see, his feet are firmly secured to the platform with wonderful plasticine-like adhesive. The platform could rotate 180 degrees and all he would suffer is the blood rushing to his little plastic head. It is truly a remarkable piece of technology - the packaging even declares it has "Thousands of Uses." I admit I can't think of much beyond 'sticking something to something else', but hey, it keeps my men safe!

White tack, proudly endorsed by Kan Konstructions

We're nearly done for the day, but the last part is the hardest. The men have to slot the massive control panels into place on the central structure. This requires pulling the pieces up to the top and slotting the very tiny tabs through the very tiny slots. This required so much time and effort there was little room for error, and I was forced to put the camera away and let the men get to work without distraction. All we have is the early stage as they hauled the control panels up.

Again, note the use of white tack. Truly magnificent stuff.

The last, and by comparison easier part to do is to surround the console with two long panels. This is such a simple job it takes only a few moments, and in doing so we have completed stage 6 of the interior. While we had a bit of a delay this weekend, we are currently on course to complete the entire project on the 29th October, which is well in advance of our 5th November deadline.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

The TARDIS Venture Part 3

Our crew now faces a difficult challenge: the first free-standing structure they have ever built. They are essentially putting together the foundations of the TARDIS interior. Our mid-management team look on with some trepidation.

As well they should. It's them who will be fired should we fail at this early stage. Day ahead of schedule or not, this is the early stages and all eyes are on them to make a good start. Like Liverpool in the current season. Okay, bad example.

As always, it requires a bit of heavy lifting on the part of our workers. I have to give them some credit here: not once was there a complaint about the effort needed to life the gargantuan slabs of material into place. They just got to it, asking only for a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich in return.

That's easy enough - they're very tiny, making tiny cups of tea and bacon sandwich is bloody simple. It's practically crumb-like pieces to me.

It's then a simple case of putting the square-axle (originally hexagonal) into the circular hole, and it's at this point I simply give up and accept that Time-Lords are either genius', or utterly mad.

The final part is the most difficult. The edge-flaps must be turned over and inserted into their opposite slot. It's not easy - individually they're bloody difficult to fit into the right place, as one it's near-impossible. As I watch the crew I wonder how tough it would be for someone of, say, my own size and with my own fingers to get the job done and I shudder. Frankly, it would require a craftsman with some extremely dexterous fingers and patience.

These gentlemen however, have that right amount of strength and perseverance that sets them apart from other workers. They will not rest until the work is done.

Let us not regard this effort lightly. It may have looked easy, but this first effort required strength and determination of the highest order. If this structure is not properly built, it will mean the entire TARDIS is faulty. Fear not! I have complete confidence my crew have completed this section of the vessel beyond requirements!

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

The TARDIS Venture Part 2

Our first order of business is the console. It's the most important part of the entire TARDIS, so naturally it's the first part we have to construct. Never mind the fact the construction crew have never built such a vessel before and it might be best to give them a bit of practice on ooh, say the supporting structure or main platforms, rather than the part of the TARDIS designed to house the most delicate equipment, not least the area in which the heart of the TARDIS is kept. Y'know, that thing that if it explodes could cause the end of the universe?

Not to mention if the Doctor is quite happy to hit said console with a hammer, it better be durable. Oh well...

Getting the first part out is simple enough, but it turns out there's a lot of delicate inserts that have to be removed. We decide to bring in the pick-axes and pneumatic drills for the job.

The next part is to make this flat section into a hexagonal tube, and then slide into it four panels that only fit onto cubes.

Wait, what?

It turns out, after consulting the design plans once more, that the additional flaps must be folded inwards in order to make the required shape, but personally I can see no reason for this whatsoever. It's probably some Gallifreyan thing. The axle complete, the men fit on the panels.

It's a delicate operation, but the men work into overtime to get it done. And at the end of our first full days work we have...an axle with brightly coloured panels sticking through it.

I'll wait for the finished product, but for now I think these Time Lords might be taking the piss...

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

The TARDIS Venture Part 1

The construction of the shipyards for the HMS Victory continue to suffer delays, but we remain confident work will be underway very soon. In the meantime, we were delighted to be approached by representatives of Gallifrey, who have requested we put our workforce to good use by constructing an interior to one of their TARDIS'!

Naturally we agreed! What a magnificent operation to sharpen our men's skills. They've been out of work for too long!

If it really is bigger on the inside, then these little guys are probably buggered...

We negotiated the terms of our contract with a representative of Gallifrey - a Time Lord known as the Savage. It has to be said, while he did have a good understanding of the concepts of time, his ability to navigate space left a lot to be desired. Nevertheless, he *eventually* found a decent pub to discuss the details of our contract - he would provide the materials and plans, we would provide the equipment and manpower.

We agreed that the deadline shall be the 5th November 2010 - one month from now. If we should succeed in our task then we shall be considered for future construction projects for the Time Lords. If we fail, then we may have to consider ourselves victims of the Time War.

I was about to ask him how exactly deadlines worked for a group of people who could travel through time when he simply handed me the materials I needed and left.

Honestly, if it weren't straight from the hands of a Time-Lord I'd think it just a cheap sort of merchandise.

So we've fired up the factory floor and gotten straight to work. When they see just how much effort we've put into building this baby, they'll think it was done by a master...